The problem with letting people in is that then you must rely on them. I thought I was fine on my own, no friends, no commitments, no dependence on others for satisfaction in my own life. But then I met wonderful people, felt real love for friends for the first time in my life, and now I feel beholden to that connection.
The worst part is, almost everything in my life is good right now, which actually makes me feel like shit for being unhappy. I simultaneously love and hate that I have fallen into the habit of allowing others to foster happiness in me - I’ve never had that before. Only now I feel that my happiness is dangerously close to becoming dependent on my relationships with others, and that is an extraordinarily uncomfortable feeling for me.
I think I only have one real life friend following me here on tumblr, so if you read this, I’m sorry - you know I don’t talk about this shit in person, and I’m sorry if it affects your opinion of me. Rest assured that I shall be back to my regularly scheduled programming by the next time I see you <3